#14 Nerds Who Lack Intelligence

Let me say upfront: I like nerds. It is common knowledge that this world is run by nerds. For example, Microsoft has the market capitalization of 182 billion dollars which exceeds the GDP of all but 43 countries. Microsoft’s co-founder, Bill Gates, is the world’s richest man, valued at 40 billion dollars. He could at any point buy Latvia, as well as the towing service company that currently employs the bullies that used to torment him during his youth. I imagine that, sometimes, when Bill thinks on those sad days of his adolescence, he sheds a tear, because even money cannot heal the painful memories of the past. After this moment of weakness, he probably wipes away the tears with 100-hundred bills, and takes a ride in his Bugatti or some other car that is worth more than you will ever be.

There are a million other examples. Google’s co-founders, Sergei Brin and Larry Page, run one the “coolest” companies in the world, while Mark Zuckerberg went from not being able to get a date to being one constitutional amendment away from having a harem with a little thing called Facebook.

My point is this long and windy introduction is that I love and respect nerds. However, we commonly make the routine mistake of bestowing intelligence on people just because they have acne, glasses with the focus of the Hubble telescope, and the social skills of an underdeveloped lemur. This social profiling naturally assumes that people of nerdy disposition make up for the astounding lack of athletic ability with an uncanny proficiency in math and computer science.

What you may be surprised to discover is that there are plenty of nerds who are no smarter than your average Joe Six-Pack. I discovered this while I was in college. While there were plenty of people who followed the well-known path of binge-drinking and partying their way out of school, there were just as many kids who accomplished the same result in a completely opposite and much less glorious manner. As their peers socialized, napped, and occasionally went to class, these ultra-nerds stayed glued to their computer screens day and night, alternating between Counterstrike, hacker chat rooms, and Russian porn sites. They inevitably congregated in one corner of the hall forming a dark, dreary sub-world that smelled of dirty socks and was entirely devoid of any female presence. As these fringe creatures failed exam after exam, their numbers quietly dwindled, each ghoulish presence disappearing into oblivion (the smell of socks lingered for several months).

One may ask why I am picking on these poor souls who already have a minimal chance of procreating. The reason is simple: they happen to be American citizens. This stroke of luck makes the uber-nerds an attractive option for less-fortunate, yet stunningly gorgeous foreign women, at least until these women can get green cards and move to Hollywood to seek fame and fortune. The advent of the Internet facilitates the consummation of this romantic partnership, thus ensuring that more useless genes are propagated into our already diluted genetic pool.

Dreadful social skills paired with a hard-on for chicks with Princess Leah hair buns do not predispose intelligence and potential. We know these simple-minded dweebs are not as knowledgeable as your average pocket-protected, pleated khaki wearing, duct-taped horn-rim bespectacled nerd, but hopefully they have the common sense required to apply a jimmy hat.

#13 People Who Do Not Eat Leftovers

Like so many of you out there, we here at stopreproducing.com spent last Thursday with our loved ones celebrating Thanksgiving. For our non-American readers, Thanksgiving is a holiday where you gather with friends and family to sit around table completely covered in food and give thanks for all of your blessings*. Most Americans give thanks for all of their blessings by eating too much food and spending the rest of the night talking about how stuffed they are. Granted, eating massive amounts of food for the sheer sake of gluttony is not something we support here at stopreproducing.com, but that is not what really hit us about that day. Inspiration for this post struck while we were helping to clean up. While placing all of the leftover turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes in Tupperware containers and in the fridge to eat over the next couple of days, we realized that saving all of this food was an anomaly for most people. The other 364 days of the year most leftovers in the United States go right in the trash. This is something that we have noticed in the past, and whenever we asked someone throwing away perfectly good food after a meal why they did not just keep it for later the response was invariably Well… I just don’t really eat leftovers. Well… we just don’t think you should have any kids.

It is bad enough that we already eat enough food to make us the fattest nation on Earth, but we have to add insult to injury by wasting even more food, because we don’t feel like eating it after it’s been re-heated. Imagine the awkwardness of some over-weight couple trying to explain to a starving African family their decision to throw out the rest of their Chicken Carbonara and Fettucini Alfredo at the Cheesecake Factory because they needed to save room for the Chocolate Tower Truffle Cake and do not really enjoy pasta when it has to be nuked. That family would stare at that couple like they had two heads each (for a grand total of eight chins). The idea of “leftovers” themselves would probably be hard enough to grasp, let alone the decision to willfully throw them away.

According to a 1995 survey conducted by the Economic Research Service/U.S. Department of Agriculture, over 90 million pounds of edible food were wasted in foodservice and consumer food loss, which was 26% of the total edible food supply. Food losses at restaurants are exacerbated by the trend towards "upsizing" the portions that customers are served. As restaurants put more and more food on our plate we not only eat more and get even fatter, but we end up wasting more food as well.

This sort of willful wasting is not in the best interest of the species. The level of selfishness needed that would allow you to throw away perfectly good food because you “do not like leftovers” while there are millions of starving people, not only in the world but in our own streets, is not a trait that we wish to see passed down to future generations. We understand that eating your leftovers is not going to completely solve the world’s food crises, but it at least shows that you are conscious of the problem, that you realize that there are those that are starving. Until you can show this bare minimum of consideration for the rest of your species we must ask that you please stop reproducing, there are already plenty of mouths to feed.



*Unless of course you are a Native American, in which case I am sure it is a bitter reminder of how a group of foreigners took advantage of the fact that you did not understand the concept of property law and stole your land and decimated your population.

#12 People Who Overreact to Swine Flu

As it is flu season, we here at stopreproducing.com thought we would take the time to discuss a trend that we find somewhat disturbing, people absolutely flipping shit about swine flu. Granted, you might be wondering isn’t the instinct for self-preservation a positive genetic trait? one that should be passed on to future generations? The short answer is yes, but only up to a point. The problem comes when people are no longer able to differentiate real threats to survival from fake threats to survival.

Once the line between real and un-real threats to survival gets blurred for people, they tend to get in a tizzy every time they are in a crowd and start feeling the need to wear a surgical mask to work every time their cubicle neighbor gets a case of the sniffles. As a species, we were only allowed to survive due to our strong group instincts. The natural inclination to come together into communities saved us from being individual animal snacks, like pudding cups for saber-tooth tigers. So this sort of anti-communal, anti-social is not beneficial for the race and should be snuffed out.

The other issue for us here at stopreproducing.com is that if you freaked out about swine flu, then you clearly have no capacity to think for yourself. The dangers of swine flu were completely blown out of proportion by the media. If you had actually looked at the facts and made an independent decision, you would have noticed that the only people in real danger were people in rural areas with no hospital access, infants and the elderly. In other words, THE SAME EXACT PEOPLE SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE REGULAR FLU. We would not blame you for worrying about your infants or elderly in this situation, but the majority of people avoiding human contact and treating Purell like liquid gold were healthy people in their 30’s and 40’s. We agree, getting the swine flu would be pretty miserable, but the media had all of you thinking that it was an automatic death sentence.

Also, people should have recognized that this “global pandemic that was going to kill us all” thing was familiar. Has everyone forgotten avian flu already? Remember how that was going to wipe us all out? And before that it was SARS, and MRSA, and Ebola, and flesh eating bacteria. Since the inception of 24 hour news networks we have be barraged with everything that is going to kill us and/or end society as we know it. We managed to get through Y2K just fine, and we will get through swine flu just the same.

There is also some altruism in stopreproducing.com’s advice in this matter. Think about it, if you get this worked up just worried about yourself and any of your brood that have already emerged from the birth canal, imagine how much more stressed you would be if you added any more to your litter. Honestly, just save yourself that trouble. For your sanity and those who have to be around you…please, stop reproducing.

This should not be happening.