#1 Adults Who Watch Cartoons

The first question that might arise is why we at stopreproducing would waste our time compiling an entry on adults who watch cartoons when the chances of this almost entirely male culture actually finding a willing mate to reproduce with are so low. We debated it for a while and eventually decided that the time it takes to write this column is worth it to prevent these emotionally stunted man-children from the possibility of further diluting the collective gene pool.

The next question would probably be why bother reading this entry when the reasons why these idols of slackerdom should be stopped from producing and god-forbid actually raising progeny are so obvious and self-evident. Granted, we are looking forward to a future where we are no longer subjected to and endless stream of Family Guy references and where we will never have to endure another conversation about how Aqua Teen Hunger Force is “so dumb that it is smart,” but it goes much deeper than that. It even goes deeper than feeling that the douchebagery ingrained in a grown man who feels that watching children’s programming is a valuable use of his time guarantees he should have his seed wiped from the Earth (although we admit that does play a small role).

No, the real reason is much less a personal vendetta and much more a completely logical scientific argument. Think about it, what reason would an otherwise perfectly normally developed adult male feel the need to watch cartoons? Most likely the reason is nostalgic and they are the product of a childhood spent watching an inordinate amount of time sitting around their house watching cartoons. In doing so, they have unfairly extricated themselves from the basic natural selection process the rest of us were subject to.

They spent their formative years safe in their houses away from the dangers that would have weeded out the weaker, dumber, and the rest of the members of the race generally unfit for reproduction. Human beings have long been at the top of the food chain and are left with no real threat of a viable predator to allow for natural selection to take its natural course. This means that we have to rely on other forces to slim down our numbers thus increasing competition for mates which would allow for humans to advance. Most of us were forced to face these outside forces and most of us were smart enough, strong enough, and emotionally intelligent enough to survive. We were smart enough not to eat the poison berries, we were smart enough to look both ways before crossing the street, our bodies were strong enough to withstand pollens, allergens, and other airborne particles, we knew not to ride our bikes at night wearing all black, we could run down a baseball without our lungs closing on us, we basically were fit to move on to the next stage in human development, puberty and then on to reproduction. For all of us that did not make, it is unfortunate, but from a scientific standpoint it is part of the natural circle of life.

The problem is that someone constantly sitting at home watching Tom and Jerry shoveling potato chips into their mouth was not exposed to these dangers and therefore basically untested from an evolutionary standpoint. We cannot be sure that these otherwise normal looking males will pass down genetically inferior material to an unsuspecting mate. So please, we are imploring you, if you are an adult who still watches cartoons, do us all a favor; just stay on your couch and leave the reproducing to those of us who have earned it. It really should not be that hard, you basically just have to do nothing, and if it is any consolation, I think your mom is upstairs in the kitchen making you a sandwich.