#4 Auto-Erotic Asphyxiophiliacs
The rationale behind auto-erotic asphyxiophiliacs needing to cease reproductive activities is simple: if someone’s life is so miserable that they feel the urge to suffocate themselves with a Ziploc bag while masturbating, they probably should not be around kids. Honestly, what the hell is wrong with these people?
It’s presumable that they’re at least slightly depressed if normal masturbation is not cutting it anymore.* Most likely, “slightly” does not cover it. I know that when I feel a little blue my mind definitely does not jump to you know if I choke myself while sexually climaxing it might really make me feel better. In fact, I’ve never been remotely close to the state of mind where that seems like a good idea. Since depression is at least partially about brain chemistry, it’s imperative these degenerates keep their damaged, depressed, “crying softly to themselves in the bathroom stall at the office” alleles away from our clean, non-fetish practicing, and generally happy genes.
And then there are the highly publicized cases of people dying (Michael Hutchence, David Carradine) from feeding the geese with their balls in a bind and shoelaces around their necks (insert your own “while in Bangkok” joke here). These more than demonstrate the risks involved with this behavior; leading one to believe that these people are either stupid or suicidal. Neither of which are traits that really need to be passed down the ole family tree. Additionally, children of suicides are more likely to commit suicide themselves (that’s just science), so if self-slaughter is on the table, do it before creating miniature self-replicas. It will save society from having to clean up the mess later.
This is a fair deal really. Masturbatory masochistic multi-taskers will not be (openly) judged, or called out for their disturbing, scary sexual fetish as long as they agree not to make babies. Both sides win, civilization gets a little help with its overpopulation problem and auto-erotic asphyxiophiliacs can hop in the crawlspace, pop a condom over both heads, and rub one out whenever the mood is right.
* stopreproducing.com wants to make it clear that we are not against masturbation, but actually in favor of it. Anything that ends up with sperm somewhere other than a woman’s birth canal is aces in our books.
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, the United States had an increase of 13 Million people from 2004 to 2009. That's only 5 years. In 25 years that will be 65 Million people. In 50 years that will be 130 Million people. In 100 years that will be 260 Million people. In 500 years that will be 1 Billion 300 Million people. Add that to the 300 Million people that we already have and you come up with a grand total of 1 Billion 600 Million people in the United States by the year 2509. Actually it will be higher than that. The more the population increases the more people that will be produced every 5 years will increase. There are 195 countries listed in the world. What do you think the world's population will be in 500 years? If there is poverty, starvation, global warming and a hole in the ozone layer now, what do you think these problems will be like in 500 years? The future generations of the world will have to resort to cannibalism to survive. There won't be enough food to feed everyone. Save your generations from suffering a miserable and horrible end. Stop creating and if you have children tell them when they grow up not to create. I am 100% sure they will appreciate not being left behind to suffer that situation. Help spread this message to the entire world. +JC
I'm going to have to disrespectfully disagree with this one. It would be to our benefit if this trend caught on with half the populace. A couple billion knuckleheads found dead in their homes with their heads in grocery bags would go a long way towards choking off (ha ha!) the day we find we can't stretch our arms out without knocking Frank IV into Frank IIV.