#5 Overzealous Sports Fans

Sports of every variety and at every level have fans, from the mother in the bleachers at the peewee football game to the greedy corporate toolbags company execs in the over priced luxury box at Yankees’ games. They cheer, they heckle, they celebrate and they live vicariously through players or teams whom they favor. And then, they go back to their lives outside of fandom until the next contest. So it goes, except for the overzealous sports fan.

An overzealous sports fan generally prioritizes devotion to team over other aspects of his life, seemingly unaware that he has no actual influence on the performance of his team. During a particularly contentious playoff series, he might emulate an alcoholic on a bender, neglecting his family, job, and health in favor of driving 400 miles for tailgating at dawn before paying a 300% premium to an ambitious scalper for a nosebleed seat all while dressed like an overweight out-of-work ass clown. Should his team lose the contest, the overzealous sports fan will be a shell of his former self for weeks to come like a heroine addict trying to kick the habit. The only solace coming from team message boards where he can find camaraderie in griping about missed calls and speculating on future prospects for the team’s return to glory. Meanwhile his wife wonders what happened to their sex life.

Should the overzealous sports fan succeed in reproduction prior to his spouse coming to the realization that she married a loser with no real ambition (outside of seeing his team win another championship), his behavior has the potential to leave an irreversible impression on his children: the belief that dedication to team trumps all. To win their parents’ affection, products of overzealous sports fan will emulate him and let sports outcomes determine their mood. If they live in Pittsburgh, they’ll be cheery brats with ADHD, or if they live in Buffalo, they’ll suffer from severe seasonal depression. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and products of overzealous sports fan will matriculate into overzealous sports fans themselves.

Clearly, this dissemination of worthless values and this pattern of relatively meaningless existence need to be abated. Overzealous sports fans, stop projecting your true passion on the opposite sex, but rather focus on self-gratification to images of championship trophies for which you strive.