#6 People Who Wear Scarves in the Summertime

As we at stopreproducing.com look around at people enjoying the summer months and the warm weather that accompanies it, we find ourselves asking one question: Who the fuck are these people that find it necessary to wear a scarf in 90 degree weather? We're not addressing the nomads in Saharan Africa donning thin linen scarves for protection in sandstorms. We're talking about yuppie urbanites sitting pool side on rooftops in bikinis flipping the script on rednecks by making themselves tan with whitenecks. One might think, Oh, but that's avant-garde, it's a revolutionary fashion statement! Avant garde pushes the boundaries of the status quo in some innovative, thought provoking way. But wearing a summer scarf falls into the same category as wearing cleats to play basketball in the gymnasium. The concept lacks any brilliant insight or creativity. Not only is the summer scarf completely pointless, it is maladaptive. It goes against millions of years of evolutionary principal.

Perhaps a little anthropology lesson is in order. Humans have gone through thousands of years of adaptations to be able to survive in a variety of climates. The reason that Inuit are short and covered in layers of fat is not because their ancestors were chubby chasers, it is a carefully calculated evolutionary plan allowing them to survive in frigid temperatures. Being short allows blood to flow through the body more easily preventing lack of circulation to extremities which can be deadly in freezing temperatures, and having extra fat just provides people with a little more insulation. Conversely, people who have ancestors from extremely hot areas tend to be tall and lanky so that their long thin veins can keep internal body temperatures down. When a person with long, Dikembe Mutumbo-esque limbs perspires, it can cool down the blood more effectively, allowing people, to, you know, survive. What right do these d-bags wearing scarves in the scorching sun have to go against the collective genetic history of human kind? Wearing a scarf in the summertime is the equivalent of spitting on Darwin's grave.

Deliberately inviting cases of heat stroke is not something that we at stopreproducing.com see as a valuable genetic trait. Willfully denying evolutionary logic is not something that we can let stand. And we have not even mentioned the fact that it makes you look like a giant tool. All we can hope is that the day you walk down the baking asphalt of a street in a heat wave wearing your Converse All-Stars, skinny jeans, cotton-poly vintage t-shirt, and thick wool scarf causing your blood to coagulate till you go into a heat stroke induced seizure comes before you actually get the chance to reproduce. Oh, and when you get to hell, I hope Satan has a nice scarf picked out for you to wear while wading in the lake of fire.