#10 Serial Sun Bakers

Summer time is here and the beaches are adorned with different genetic elitists – the shouldn’t be in that bikini-wearers, the splash in the facers, the big hole diggers and the ever-so-highly skilled professional tanners.

I’m not advocating as a guest columnist here on Stopreproducing.com that we should all hide under our umbrellas and zinc our entire bodies. And no, I’m not saying that one unprotected day trip to the Jersey shore will damage your body’s largest organ for the rest of your life. (Editors note: One unprotected day trip at the Jersey shore will for sure cause damage to another major organ, so remember “no glove, no love.”).

I’m here to address the Serial Sun Bakers. The Crisco covered, Panama Jack slathered, pina colada smelling bronzers who strategically place aluminum foil around their faces to catch the ultimate rays.

Tanning is an art. One quick look in the dictionary proves that it’s the art of turning animal skin into leather. Over the history of mankind, tanning has been prevalent in society. Humans have baked animal skins in the sun for everything from loin clothes to designer handbags.*

The Serial Sun Bakers, however, have shown advancement in the human evolutionary chain. Rather than relying on animal skins to provide humans with leather coats, Serial Sun Bakers have perfected the art of growing their own one-of-a-kind protective sheaths. This remarkable surge in human intelligence and ingenuity would surely leave Darwin perplexed.

Key Serial Sun Baker evolutionary milestones include:
  • Hide Moisturizing: In the past, tanners basted skins with a solution of water and animal dung. Serial Sun Bakers prefer a more pleasantly scented method of lubrication, such as coconut infused balms reminiscent of tropical holidays –wouldn’t want to smell like shit after all!
  • Hair removal: Our ancestors mainly used knives for this task, but Serial Sun Bakers have made significant advancements in this field. More humane ways of hair removal, such as hot wax and electrical impulse needles are more commonplace.
  • Sun Positioning: While our ancestors used wooden racks, Serial Sun Bakers have adopted plastic chairs and cotton towels into their regime. Some even use light-reflecting surfaces, such as metal objects or water to “bounce” the suns rays onto their hides. A roof top is also an ideal location so that the skin is ‘closer to the sun’.
  • Hide Rotation: In the past, skins had to be flipped by various artisans. Serial Sun Bakers have cut out the middle man and do the flipping themselves. Timing sun exposure by songs on the radio or setting a alarm on a cell phone easily alerts the modern-day coat designers when its time to tan the other side.
As you can see, Serial Sun Bakers prove that with complete negligence for their body’s well-being, coats are the next big thing in DIY. Should the Serial Sun Baker be permitted to pass along these self-servicing genes? Will store-bought coats become the next extinct fashion accessory, like slap bracelets and mood rings?

Here at Stopreproducing.com, we sure hope not. Unless you are growing your own to save a few bucks during this economic crisis (by all means save where you can) it is not fashionably forward to convert your own hide into a one of a kind coat for winter.

*StopReproducing is not in anyway promoting animal skins for fashion. Love every creature, great and small!