#2 Nadya Sulman

Some people enjoy the aroma of morning dew, or the scent of fresh sheets. Nadya Sulman enjoys the smell of baby farts and shamelessness. If the name does not ring a bell, maybe the misnomer OCTOMOM is more familiar. Unfortunately for society it’s a misleading label; for prior to breaking the in vitro fertilization faucet and plopping out 8 premature cry-boxes at once, she was already nurturing no less than 6 (uncontrollable) children.

A little history: Sulman was married in 1996 to a man incapable of giving her children. As a result, they separated in 2000 and stretch-vagina bee-lined for the fertility clinic. Thanks to the miracle of IVF, Sulman got the plumbing running and has since been blessed with 4 individual births, a set of twins, and after the warm-up round, the blossoming of eight lucky embryos that have thrusted her into the international spotlight. She has done media interviews, appeared on Dr. Phil, and even declined a million dollar offer to star in a porno.

Common sense would lead one to believe you must amass great wealth to care for 14 babies over the course of 18 years, in addition to the costs associated with the fertility clinic. But Sulman transcends logic. Before knowledge of the octuplets became public, she was living in a small three bedroom shanty with her 6 other children and her mother; a house that has since foreclosed and is set for auction this month. Additionally, her parents have filed for bankruptcy on over a million dollars in liabilities.

Seems the stage is set for another taxpayer bailout!

We implore you, why was this woman even allowed within a hundred yards of a fertility clinic, let alone impregnated, after the first six children? It boggles our minds and makes it taste like throw up in our mouths a little bit.

Nadya Sulman, do the world a favor: get your tubes tied and STOP REPRODUCING!

#1 Adults Who Watch Cartoons

The first question that might arise is why we at stopreproducing would waste our time compiling an entry on adults who watch cartoons when the chances of this almost entirely male culture actually finding a willing mate to reproduce with are so low. We debated it for a while and eventually decided that the time it takes to write this column is worth it to prevent these emotionally stunted man-children from the possibility of further diluting the collective gene pool.

The next question would probably be why bother reading this entry when the reasons why these idols of slackerdom should be stopped from producing and god-forbid actually raising progeny are so obvious and self-evident. Granted, we are looking forward to a future where we are no longer subjected to and endless stream of Family Guy references and where we will never have to endure another conversation about how Aqua Teen Hunger Force is “so dumb that it is smart,” but it goes much deeper than that. It even goes deeper than feeling that the douchebagery ingrained in a grown man who feels that watching children’s programming is a valuable use of his time guarantees he should have his seed wiped from the Earth (although we admit that does play a small role).

No, the real reason is much less a personal vendetta and much more a completely logical scientific argument. Think about it, what reason would an otherwise perfectly normally developed adult male feel the need to watch cartoons? Most likely the reason is nostalgic and they are the product of a childhood spent watching an inordinate amount of time sitting around their house watching cartoons. In doing so, they have unfairly extricated themselves from the basic natural selection process the rest of us were subject to.

They spent their formative years safe in their houses away from the dangers that would have weeded out the weaker, dumber, and the rest of the members of the race generally unfit for reproduction. Human beings have long been at the top of the food chain and are left with no real threat of a viable predator to allow for natural selection to take its natural course. This means that we have to rely on other forces to slim down our numbers thus increasing competition for mates which would allow for humans to advance. Most of us were forced to face these outside forces and most of us were smart enough, strong enough, and emotionally intelligent enough to survive. We were smart enough not to eat the poison berries, we were smart enough to look both ways before crossing the street, our bodies were strong enough to withstand pollens, allergens, and other airborne particles, we knew not to ride our bikes at night wearing all black, we could run down a baseball without our lungs closing on us, we basically were fit to move on to the next stage in human development, puberty and then on to reproduction. For all of us that did not make, it is unfortunate, but from a scientific standpoint it is part of the natural circle of life.

The problem is that someone constantly sitting at home watching Tom and Jerry shoveling potato chips into their mouth was not exposed to these dangers and therefore basically untested from an evolutionary standpoint. We cannot be sure that these otherwise normal looking males will pass down genetically inferior material to an unsuspecting mate. So please, we are imploring you, if you are an adult who still watches cartoons, do us all a favor; just stay on your couch and leave the reproducing to those of us who have earned it. It really should not be that hard, you basically just have to do nothing, and if it is any consolation, I think your mom is upstairs in the kitchen making you a sandwich.