#7 MMORPG Addicts

In the event that you are a socially adjusted member of the general population that has never had the privilege of becoming a Level 42 Warlock leading a guild on a vision quest to the Shlomi Caves in order to attain the Elixir of Suffering while simultaneously attacking left over General Tso’s at 11 PM on a Saturday in your parents’ basement on your 34^th birthday, let us clarify that MMORPG stands for Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game. The most popular of the genre, World of Warcraft, has a following of over 11.5 million subscribers! Unlike regular video games, MMORPGs do not… ever… stop. Gamers who cease game play to participate in real life (i.e. sleeping, dating, face-to-face contacting) sacrifice precious opportunities to battle orks and gain virtual wealth, power and influence… in front of a computer screen… sitting in a chair!

MMORPGs provide an escape from reality. People who have trouble holding a steady job can climb the ranks from troll to guild master in the online fantasy world with a little dedication. Repulsive, socially awkward 40 year old virgins can consummate cyber-weddings with some creative double-clicking of the mouse. The MMORPG system rewards dedication to a virtual environment while promoting decay of a person’s life in the real world.

After a few years as intense gamer junkies, participants discover deteriorated health, decreased confidence in regular social settings, and dimmer career prospects. This does not bode well for their reproductive chances. In the event that MMORPG Addicts retrain their atrophied muscles, succeed in seeking out a mate, figure out how to procreate, and possess a high-enough sperm count to fertilize an egg, the descendants of these misfits have the odds stacked against them. They will be practically born into a virtua-land themselves; finding that the best way to connect with their parents is to get attached to the machine as well, feeding the addictive personalities they inherited.

MMORPG Addicts consume energy, food, and space while offering minimal returns to the society that supports them, but damn… they can really lead a guild and slay a one-eyed monster. Until these transfixed drones unplug, it’s best for the real world that they keep their own one-eyed monsters in their pants.

#6 People Who Wear Scarves in the Summertime

As we at stopreproducing.com look around at people enjoying the summer months and the warm weather that accompanies it, we find ourselves asking one question: Who the fuck are these people that find it necessary to wear a scarf in 90 degree weather? We're not addressing the nomads in Saharan Africa donning thin linen scarves for protection in sandstorms. We're talking about yuppie urbanites sitting pool side on rooftops in bikinis flipping the script on rednecks by making themselves tan with whitenecks. One might think, Oh, but that's avant-garde, it's a revolutionary fashion statement! Avant garde pushes the boundaries of the status quo in some innovative, thought provoking way. But wearing a summer scarf falls into the same category as wearing cleats to play basketball in the gymnasium. The concept lacks any brilliant insight or creativity. Not only is the summer scarf completely pointless, it is maladaptive. It goes against millions of years of evolutionary principal.

Perhaps a little anthropology lesson is in order. Humans have gone through thousands of years of adaptations to be able to survive in a variety of climates. The reason that Inuit are short and covered in layers of fat is not because their ancestors were chubby chasers, it is a carefully calculated evolutionary plan allowing them to survive in frigid temperatures. Being short allows blood to flow through the body more easily preventing lack of circulation to extremities which can be deadly in freezing temperatures, and having extra fat just provides people with a little more insulation. Conversely, people who have ancestors from extremely hot areas tend to be tall and lanky so that their long thin veins can keep internal body temperatures down. When a person with long, Dikembe Mutumbo-esque limbs perspires, it can cool down the blood more effectively, allowing people, to, you know, survive. What right do these d-bags wearing scarves in the scorching sun have to go against the collective genetic history of human kind? Wearing a scarf in the summertime is the equivalent of spitting on Darwin's grave.

Deliberately inviting cases of heat stroke is not something that we at stopreproducing.com see as a valuable genetic trait. Willfully denying evolutionary logic is not something that we can let stand. And we have not even mentioned the fact that it makes you look like a giant tool. All we can hope is that the day you walk down the baking asphalt of a street in a heat wave wearing your Converse All-Stars, skinny jeans, cotton-poly vintage t-shirt, and thick wool scarf causing your blood to coagulate till you go into a heat stroke induced seizure comes before you actually get the chance to reproduce. Oh, and when you get to hell, I hope Satan has a nice scarf picked out for you to wear while wading in the lake of fire.

#5 Overzealous Sports Fans

Sports of every variety and at every level have fans, from the mother in the bleachers at the peewee football game to the greedy corporate toolbags company execs in the over priced luxury box at Yankees’ games. They cheer, they heckle, they celebrate and they live vicariously through players or teams whom they favor. And then, they go back to their lives outside of fandom until the next contest. So it goes, except for the overzealous sports fan.

An overzealous sports fan generally prioritizes devotion to team over other aspects of his life, seemingly unaware that he has no actual influence on the performance of his team. During a particularly contentious playoff series, he might emulate an alcoholic on a bender, neglecting his family, job, and health in favor of driving 400 miles for tailgating at dawn before paying a 300% premium to an ambitious scalper for a nosebleed seat all while dressed like an overweight out-of-work ass clown. Should his team lose the contest, the overzealous sports fan will be a shell of his former self for weeks to come like a heroine addict trying to kick the habit. The only solace coming from team message boards where he can find camaraderie in griping about missed calls and speculating on future prospects for the team’s return to glory. Meanwhile his wife wonders what happened to their sex life.

Should the overzealous sports fan succeed in reproduction prior to his spouse coming to the realization that she married a loser with no real ambition (outside of seeing his team win another championship), his behavior has the potential to leave an irreversible impression on his children: the belief that dedication to team trumps all. To win their parents’ affection, products of overzealous sports fan will emulate him and let sports outcomes determine their mood. If they live in Pittsburgh, they’ll be cheery brats with ADHD, or if they live in Buffalo, they’ll suffer from severe seasonal depression. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and products of overzealous sports fan will matriculate into overzealous sports fans themselves.

Clearly, this dissemination of worthless values and this pattern of relatively meaningless existence need to be abated. Overzealous sports fans, stop projecting your true passion on the opposite sex, but rather focus on self-gratification to images of championship trophies for which you strive.

#4 Auto-Erotic Asphyxiophiliacs

The rationale behind auto-erotic asphyxiophiliacs needing to cease reproductive activities is simple: if someone’s life is so miserable that they feel the urge to suffocate themselves with a Ziploc bag while masturbating, they probably should not be around kids. Honestly, what the hell is wrong with these people?

It’s presumable that they’re at least slightly depressed if normal masturbation is not cutting it anymore.* Most likely, “slightly” does not cover it. I know that when I feel a little blue my mind definitely does not jump to you know if I choke myself while sexually climaxing it might really make me feel better. In fact, I’ve never been remotely close to the state of mind where that seems like a good idea. Since depression is at least partially about brain chemistry, it’s imperative these degenerates keep their damaged, depressed, “crying softly to themselves in the bathroom stall at the office” alleles away from our clean, non-fetish practicing, and generally happy genes.

And then there are the highly publicized cases of people dying (Michael Hutchence, David Carradine) from feeding the geese with their balls in a bind and shoelaces around their necks (insert your own "while in Bangkok" joke here). These more than demonstrate the risks involved with this behavior; leading one to believe that these people are either stupid or suicidal. Neither of which are traits that really need to be passed down the ole family tree. Additionally, children of suicides are more likely to commit suicide themselves (that’s just science), so if self-slaughter is on the table, do it before creating miniature self-replicas. It will save society from having to clean up the mess later.

This is a fair deal really. Masturbatory masochistic multi-taskers will not be (openly) judged, or called out for their disturbing, scary sexual fetish as long as they agree not to make babies. Both sides win, civilization gets a little help with its overpopulation problem and auto-erotic asphyxiophiliacs can hop in the crawlspace, pop a condom over both heads, and rub one out whenever the mood is right.

* stopreproducing.com wants to make it clear that we are not against masturbation, but actually in favor of it. Anything that ends up with sperm somewhere other than a woman’s birth canal is aces in our books.

#3 Senior Weekers

It is that time of year again, when teenagers across this great land celebrate their entrance into young adulthood by making mistakes that could potentially haunt them for the rest of their lives. The rite of passage known as “senior week” is fraught with danger as far as stopreproducing is concerned. Crossing raging repressed hormones with unscrupulous amounts of alcohol means that many youngsters across the county will leave their beach house, cabin, etc. with a lot more than a new facebook photo album.

Ladies we are appealing to you on this one. Mainly because we know that every high school guy you know has probably been trying to have sex with you for the past several years and this week will be no different. Granted, you have done a good job keeping them at bay for four years, but now they are even more desperate to lose their virginity before college. And you might not realize it, but female IQ’s seem to drop by about fifty points during senior week. So in your alcohol-induced fog you decide that maybe you should make out with that guy from your biology class you have never actually spoken to… I mean I guess he is kinda cute and Jenna said he is nice so why not? right? WRONG Jaime Spears wanna-be – kissing leads to heavy petting leads to you having to ask your college to move you to a freshman dorm with a nursery cause you thought doggystyle was an effective birth control after bonging 5 beers.

So ladies, be smart. Travel in packs, leave no (wo)man behind, Semper Fi, all that. A cry-box not only ruins your college experience, it ruins our planet. We cannot even deal with all the planned pregnancies in the world, don’t add your very unplanned one.