Attention world: - Fred Durst doesn’t know where his Sunday is going to take him, but he’s making eggs and bacon for breakfast this morning.
- Courtney Love wants to blow a wad on a "recession" slashed couch that’s sort of pinkish but a dude could hang on it.
- Tila Tequila is off to catch some zzz’s and snuggle and lay in bed all day and watch movies tomorrow!
Who gives a rat's ass about what these people do in their spare time, let alone in 1 sentence formats that are continually updated throughout the day?
But Econ 101 tells us that for a market to thrive, there must be some demand for the product being peddled. Amazingly, there are people who ask for these sterling updates from washed-up, narcissistic celebrities to be sent directly to their phones and emails.
The mechanism that enabled these remarkable gains in communication, Twitter, became popular back in 2007. Podcasting company Odeo introduced the technology as a “micro-blog” for people to keep tabs on each other with brief messages, “tweets”, of 140 characters or less wherein one party can subscribe to messages from another party. The website celebritytweet.com provides consolidation of a pool of celebrities to simplify subscription for adoring fans.
Benefits of the free service are revealed in emergency situations for coordinating groups of people efficiently and for knowledgeable consumers who wish to receive instant updates on local strip club recession specials. But by and large, the majority of tweets are merely pointless babble and to a lesser degree, shameless self-promotion from washed up celebrities.
As if TMZ, Enquirer, Perez Hilton, and Biggest Loser: Celebrity Edition don’t already invite us to fill our days living vicariously through Hollywood, now Twitter enables us to receive live feeds directly from the horses’ mouths -- further feeding these mammoth, yet fragile egos! TMZ and the aforementioned traditional media sources, while stultifying our lives, do not have nearly the potency of Twitter with regards to invasive celebrity nonsense.
A celeb-culture junkie must actively turn on the TV, or actively purchase a gossip mag, and even then the mundane dirt has at least been filtered down to something marginally worthwhile. But with Twitter, one innocent subscription to a celebrity’s Twitter feed results in an incessant, passive onslaught of obnoxious tweets that crush productivity and deprive individuals of meaningful growth in their own lives. Does the world really want the next generation to slide into a delusional psychosis from having one-way virtual friendships with the likes of Paris Hilton and Tila Tequila?
Celebrity gossip obsessors, and those receiving celebrity tweets in particular, should not be raising children. For it is these very people whose lives are so devoid of meaning, that superficial contact with the “cool, popular kids” of Hollywood gives them purpose. Seeing the priority allotted to celebrities by their parents, progeny will come to idolize celebrities, placing them on a pedestal that overshadows their own lives.
It is not uncommon for celebrity tweet subscribers to seek out relationships with over-zealous sports fans creating a power-couple that adopts each others’ passions and zest for living vicariously.
Imagine, a man’s wife is in labor on what should be one of the happiest days of his life, and at that moment he receives a text message. Excitedly, he opens the message expecting a note from his wife’s parents asking which room, but no… “Terrell Owens: Blasted my pecs today, I can totally put up 300 on the bench aint no thing, protein shake time!” Then another incoming text rattles the phone, and as he hurriedly tries to navigate away from the message the phone is dropped. In a desperate attempt to salvage the moment and direct the parents, he dives beneath the stirrups to recover the phone. As he anxiously flails, a beautiful 7 lb. 10 oz. baby boy is born overhead, placental juices pouring over the father’s head.
At that moment he should realize something… stop reproducing!
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